Le Theme

If you are going to theme your party; do it properly. When effort is required, people fuck off. Black tie is boring. I don’t own one, do you?

Choose an arbitrary genre. Originality is good, unless you are an economics student. Get an arts student to choose it for you. Abstract concepts allow you to show how clever you are and how dumb everyone else is.

But if you can’t be bothered; just make the theme ‘getting pissed’ and then decorate appropriately. 20 bottles of White Lightning should do the trick.

L’invitation

In this modern age, no one uses paper. (except us, because if this was a blog you probably wouldn’t read it.) Facebook. But you knew that already. Be careful, if you want to let your house be destroyed, keep it as an open invitation. But, if you want to find Tunnock’s Teacake in your bed at 8am when everyone finally leaves, then make it public.

If you don’t have a party go to, just look at the events that are posted on whatever group network you are on. Crash someone else’s. And take your party there.

Les Boissons

BYOB just means you are stingy. Bizarrely, if you provide drinks people will forget about their own. You will find at least ten cans of beer and a bottle or two of Lambrini in the morning. Usually stashed behind couches and in toilets.

La Narcotique

If your party is getting boring at 3am, end it. Don’t think that a third pill will make it any better. If it is already shit, it isn’t going to change. And no one likes a grinning host slobbering vile kisses all over them.

La Musique

Hide your cds, or you will have someone else’s mate flicking through and saying “I swear it’s the next track!”

However, house parties without music are hell. They end more like AA meetings. So get some speakers, and blow them up when you want everyone to leave.

Les Moquettes

They will get fucked. But fuck your landlord. He was the idiot that put them there in the first place. This principle extends to all property.

Desordre

It will happen. Man up. But do not leave anything like toothpaste around. As any stoned little shit that finds it will undoubtedly mistake it for minty fingerpaint. To avoid confusion between semen and shampoo found in the bath tub -  hide the shampoo.

Traction/La Bise

Excuses are good. Drunkeness is an excuse. Drugs are an excuse. That you really fancied your mate’s bird isn’t. House parties where no one pulls just means that everyone there is a prude. Prudes aren’t cool, unless they are in Utah. Set the trend. Pull the worst person there and then get so drunk you forget it.